ADOPTION BLOGGER INTERVIEW

When I first learned about this project, I was immediately intrigued. After I signed up, I worried a bit about who I might be paired with for the mutual interview — especially that it might be an adoptive mother, someone who couldn’t possibly comprehend what it meant to be in my shoes, that her gain was the result of my loss.

My initial concerns were eased once I “met” Tiffany who blogs at Raising Paityn 

She and her husband have one biological daughter, Paityn, who is three, and adopted their second daughter, Olivia, nine months ago. They are in an open adoption with Livie’s parents, with whom they communicate regularly and have monthly visits.

Reading Tiffany’s blog, I was struck by her understanding of first mothers’ pain, how she did not take lightly what the mother of her adoptive child experienced, and her admission that the baby would sense the difference between her first and adoptive mothers.

I am honored to have been paired with her and to count her among my new friends.

Thank you, Heather Schade, for creating this project, which opens communication between bloggers from all perspectives on adoption. Read all of the interviews at Production Not Reproduction 

Here are my questions to Tiffany and her responses:

I respect your commitment to open adoption and fully involving your daughter’s parents in her/your life. Would you have pursued adoption if an open arrangement with the first parents weren’t an option?

From our earliest conversations regarding adoption, Dan and I envisioned an open adoption.  There were a lot of reasons for this, but mostly, we felt that a child deserved to have the opportunity to know his or her other parents.  A closed adoption was simply not an option for us.

We met Livie’s first parents through a mutual friend, not through an agency.  One thing they wanted was to have an ongoing relationship, just as we were hoping we could find.   I am so grateful to have them as part of our lives.  They tell us things that help me know Livie better; little characteristics that are reflected in the three of them.  I remember when I told Livie’s first mom that Livie was biting her lip a lot, and she texted back and told me she does that all the time when she’s nervous or bored.  I realized then that although we wanted the openness to be for Livie and her first parents, it benefited Dan and I as well.  I feel that we are slowly becoming a family; our shared love for Livie is bringing us together.

A lot of people don’t understand how we can have this open relationship.  My husband and I don’t understand how we could not.  They are truly wonderful people whom we trust as influences in both our daughter’s lives.  Besides that, they are Livie’s parents.  We feel our daughter deserves the opportunity to determine how she will handle her own adoption.  This is her life, her biological parents, her choice.  Open adoption is one way of empowering our daughter to be able to take control of her own truth once she is old enough. 

How do you feel about foreign adoption, which it seems to me many adoptive parents choose — not just because of the limited number of available infants domestically — but so they won’t have contact with the first family or later have to deal with their child being found?

I don’t personally know anyone in real life who has done this, but I have encountered adoptive parents online who admittedly say they did this, and it really bothers me.

Dan and I chose not do an international adoption quite early on in our discussions.  We felt that an open adoption was what we desired for a future child, and also, the ethical concerns with international adoptions worried us.  I understand this sounds cheesy, but we wanted to adopt to be a family for a child who needed us.  We were not looking for a child to fill a need; we were looking to fill a need for a child.  So, the fear that we might adopt a child who had been kidnapped or coerced away from their parents was one we were not willing to personally risk.   We also felt very strongly that a child should have an opportunity to know their biological parents, and that is much harder to do in an international adoption.

I know people who have worked hard to ensure their international adoption was as ethical as possible.  One family in particular influenced me as a teen and helped create that desire to adopt someday.  I am not trying to say all adoptive parents who have adopted internationally are parenting stolen children.  Many did not choose this path in order to avoid contact with first parents.  But for those who did, they are the very antithesis of what a parent should be.  Parents should do what is best for their children, not what they personally want for selfish reasons.

I have, of course, read how your experience of giving birth to your first daughter has increased your understanding of Olivia’s mother’s pain. But please elaborate here for those who haven’t.

When I gave birth to my older daughter, Paityn, the second they placed her on my chest, we locked eyes.  There was this flash of recognition between us; my husband has a picture of that moment, and our connection is beautifully apparent.  In the first months, only my voice and touch could soothe and comfort her; she didn’t even want Dan.  We connected so viscerally; I knew her and she knew me.  I slept next to her, breastfed her, and we were linked in a way that I had never thought was possible with another human being.

I was not prepared for the overwhelming grief and guilt I felt taking Olivia home from the hospital.  I felt as though I was removing her from everything that comforted and felt familiar to her.  I was a stranger’s voice, a stanger’s touch, a stranger’s smell.  I loved her so much it made my heart ache, and yet, this love is what made me so sad for her.  I had known the connection a baby feels for her mother, and I felt tremendously guilty for being a part of removing her from that, even though the choice was not ultimately mine. 

I knew, too, that her other mom was feeling a great deal of grief and loss, and this hurt me as a mother to know that she ached for the loss of her child.  I wanted to be there for her, yet I was obviously the last person who could offer her any kind of comfort.

I still cry when I consider the losses Livie experienced so early in her life.  It was hard for me to handle the joy of a new baby mixed together with these other emotions.  I spent my maternity leave focused on connecting with Livie and creating a secure attachment with her.  Just like with Paityn, I held her almost constantly, day and night, for six weeks.  I wanted to give her back a piece of what she lost.  I can honestly say that I think we were successful in that; she and I are very bonded, and I can feel the comfort I provide to her when she wraps her arms around me or lays next to me at night. 

Have you read Nancy Verrier’s “The Primal Wound?” Do you think that any adoptee completely escapes the repercussions of having been relinquished by their biological mother and raised by an unrelated family?

I have not, but it is on my reading list.

I don’t believe I can speak for how adoptees feel.  I am always careful to only ever share my personal opinion; I try not to speak for my daughter as I believe her feelings will be her own. 

I know adoptees who have struggled in the past but are okay now, adoptees who have never struggled with it, and adoptees who continue to struggle with it.  In all cases, there is no one thing that makes it okay for one person and not okay for the other.  They are complete individuals, and their responses to their personal experiences are always going to be somewhat unique.

What I have learned from listening to adoptees is that adoptive parents play a big role in helping a child process her adoption in a healthy way.  Above all, I intend to support Livie’s feelings about her adoption as she grows up, whatever those feelings are.  She may never be able to escape being adopted, but I am determined that she will always have us walking that path with her, accepting and being open to her feelings.

On that note, how do you feel about the “chosen child” thing? Which most adoptees figure out at some point means that they were “unchosen” by their birthmother/parents. How about the “born in my heart” phrase?

I realize that many adoptive parents use these terms, but I’ve never seen them as part of the reality of adoption.  In domestic adoptions, the parents choose the adoptive family; it is not the adoptive family choosing a child. 

I tell Livie that I believe we were all meant to find each other, and her first mom has also said this.  I do not believe she was destined to lose her family, but in the absence of her first mom, I feel that I was meant to be the best second mom for her.  This does not make her “chosen” nor does it mean her first family was meant to be torn apart.  It simply is reality as it exists for our families.

In an imperfect and broken world, this sometimes happens.  I would never tell Livie that I chose for her to lose her first parents, and I don’t think they would ever tell her that they didn’t want her.  Adoption: it creates families from what was broken and lost.  It’s genuinely not a pretty thing, no matter what the agencies try to say. 

The “grown in my heart” phrase didn’t bother me much until after our adoption.  I don’t think I gave it much thought before.  We met Livie’s parents the night before her mom gave birth, so I didn’t spend much time contemplating these types of phrases and the emotional process of waiting for a child to adopt.

The fact is, I didn’t give birth to Livie.  Not in my heart, and certainly not from my womb.  That was her first mother’s role, and I would never seek to diminish the beauty of that experience by trying to equate my waiting for Livie as a birth in my heart.  Giving birth to a child is amazing and miraculous and… like nothing else in this whole world.  I feel trying to equate my love to a birth diminishes her other mom.  This isn’t something I feel the need to do; we are both her mothers, and there’s enough love for everyone. 

I especially appreciated your post, How Adoption Made Us Liars, regarding the amended birth certificate (replacing your names for the biological parents). What is your stance on unsealing adoption records: past and present?

I firmly believe that the secrecy and lying in adoption must stop.  It creates a second-class citizenship for adoptees; they are the only group who can say their government actively supports and assists in keeping them from their biological history.

All records should be unsealed, and going forward, we should put a new method into practice that does not involve birth certificates that remove the names of the people who gave birth to a child.  For me, that is a very clear violation of rights, and I also think it is one area of adoption reform that should be supported by adoptees, first families, and adoptive parents alike. 

There is no logical reason to deny a group of people their birth certificates. The more common arguments I have heard in favor of sealed records are privacy for the biological parents and a legal document proving parenthood for the adoptive parents.  Neither of these really hold much weight.  No adult is afforded a right to privacy in our country, unless they are in the witness protection program.  When an adoptive child grows into adulthood and makes contact with the biological parents, the parents are not forced into a relationship; they can express their wish to be left alone.  As for adoptive parents, there are many ways to still achieve a legal statement of parenthood without altering and then sealing the original birth certificate.  I believe we can come up with a solution that does not deny individuals their history.