Why did I think I was the only one? The only birthmother in history.
I did think that for many years, until I started reading books about adoption reunion and found a support group almost a year after reuniting with my son.
But what about the girls I went to high school with? My peers?
Why did it never occur to me that there were others in my graduating class — 800 of us, which was huge for a school in Hawaii?
I could have gotten pregnant during my senior year of high school, but I didn’t. So could many of my friends. As it turned out, a year of college went by before three in our close-knit group were in that situation. I wrote about it in my essay, “Summer of Love,” which you can find in the archives here or on my website (Other Writings).
Recently I received an email from a member of my high school class of 1968, someone I did not know, but vaguely remember after looking at her photo in our yearbook. She was pregnant before graduation and gave birth six months later. She and her boyfriend lost their daughter to adoption, but thankfully, have been reunited with her for almost ten years.
We have been comparing memories, who we knew in high school, and there are some commonalities. We wonder how many others there we were. I wonder what might have happened if it hadn’t been such a shameful secret in those days, if we could have known and supported each other, banned together somehow. And instead of going off to secret homes, might have formed our own communal home, where we might have kept our children, eked out a living, and turned what was our greatest loss into a joy.
If only... But too late for that now.
6 comments:
Ah yes. Like I was the only adoptee in the world. I'm happy we are speaking out and saying "not so" to the shame.
Thank goodness we found our community. Too late, but better late than never.
Denise, I felt much the same way you did. I attended a Catholic high school and the subject of sex never came up in a postitive context. I don't know of a single girl who got pg in high school but there must have been a few. If only we would have had access to the internet and one another, things would have been so different. If only.......
Hi Denise and "all" - I'm the classmate and one can only imagine how wonderful that would have been - I was SO in denial that after graduation and during the summer my boyfriend and I didn't mention it - one has to laugh - we no longer had to worry about getting pregnant!!! The mind of an immature 18 year old!!! My story echoes that of so many other first mothers - yet at the time I thought that other girls were o.k. with the decision that was made for them - I had controlling parent and you can only imagine the control that came down when my pregancy was discovered - it was always a "pregnancy" and a "problem that needing dealing with" not the forthcoming birth and arrival of my first born child and their first grandchild - the complexities of families. I loved my boyfriend with every fibre of my being and he was my only hope of keeping "our" baby but he ultimately ran and in a sense is still running by living an alternative life on Maui - a long way from the priviledged upbringing he experienced growing up. We are all so complex yet we are also so simple. Fast forward and reunion brought all the shut down emotions and issues to the surface - I can truly say I have become the person I should have been all those years ago but the loss of my first baby stunted me at so many levels. My life has been good and rich but there was always that "black shadow" that followed me around to show its face at the strangest times and literally propell me out of a chair to stop the thoughts.
I knew NOTHING about welfare or food stamps or assistant housing - like the pimple on your 18 year old face you think it is permanent. So even if I knew about welfare etc. it would have been like I would have chosen it forever and my "bastard" baby and I would live at that level for the rest of our lives . As much as I did not think I was, my maturity level was not that high and I was more consumed with the color of my long blond hair and the cute outfit then thinking how I was able to shape a future for myself and my daughter. But regardless I never for one moment wanted my daughter sucked into the vacuum that adoption is - NEVER. My daughter had been looking for me since she was 18 - every year (on her birthday) she would telephone Catholic Charities and ask the social wrecker if there had been a letter and every year she would say no. The month before we reunited she telephoned and the gal said to my daughter, "Why don't you stop looking - she is obvously not looking for you" - My daughter said that really hurt her - my daughter lost to the world of adoption is more like me physically, mentally, emotionally and shares
the same wicked sense of humor and outlook on life then my other 4 raised children - there is no escaping DNA - we are more alike then not alike.
How I would have liked a "safe house" for pregnant gals that supported us in keeping our babies - adoption is such a bizarre concept - giving your own flesh and blood to strangers - how could my parents have supported such a choice for me - their choice NEVER mind.
It's good that things have changed to a more supportive outlook on pregnancy outside of marriage. It happens and shouldn't be a shameful thing.
Lee
Wrote By Rote
Arlee, if only it were so. True, women have more options today, can make the decision to parent without a husband. But the pressures to give up the baby are still huge, especially for teens, thanks to the adoption industry and the continuing demand for adoptable infants.
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