My son sent me an email, as he usually does on holidays and various occasions since we’ve been estranged. He wrote the same thing, that he hopes we doing okay, that he loves and misses us (“you guys,” he writes, which of course means both me and my husband, even though I’m quite sure he doesn’t’ miss Henry, who has never gone easy on him, and for good reason).
I don’t always answer him. This time I did:
“Merry Christmas to you, too. We are doing fine.
As hard as this might be for you to understand, I have always loved you and always will. But I don't miss you. Not as long as your life continues in a state of chaos, with minute to minute decisions, and where nothing I am able to do can change it.
I hope someday that will be different and I'll feel good about reconnecting with you. Not so far.
Thank you for letting me have time with Naomi.”
He wrote back, thanking me for responding and telling me about his somewhat recent diagnosis with a serious psychological disorder (which I already knew).
“I agree with you my life is chaotic. That's why I try to keep it simple as possible now. There really is no treatment for what I have. But im still going to therapy n taking my meds. I don't either miss the bad times but I do miss u. I wish there was a way to just see you every now and then just so I could at least hug u. I almost wish I could promise you I wouldn't even speak. I love u very much mom.”
I’m considering honoring his request, seeing him briefly and giving him that hug. Given our history, I’m torn between my subconscious saying “danger danger danger,” and my love for him, no matter what has transpired.
There’s an opportunity on Wednesday, when I go into town to see my grandchildren. But I don’t have to decide that soon. I can keep considering and set a later date.
Any thoughts?
8 comments:
I know that you don't know me. I have a daughter that has a lot of problems and who makes my life difficult if not impossible at times. Unlike your son, my daughter believes the world is what's wrong, not her behavior.
However, knowing what I know about mental health issues, depending on what is really wrong with him, opening the door that wide, no matter what you feel for him, is something that has a lot of risks - at least emotionally.
I have shut the door on my daughter after years of abusive behaviors. I would get shut out only to have her come back acting like she hadn't called me names and treated me with evil intent. But I let her in. She has cost me thousands of dollars and my self-esteem.
Personally, and from experience with mental illness, unless you are willing to accept that he is not going to change and he has not changed, will only open the door to more of the same.
I hope for the best for you.
I say yes. You have set boundaries. Now honor them. See him but stick to your boundaries. Do not allow him to use th meeting as a chance to weaken you. Hard. I know. Of course you know I say this from my pov. That of a mother six years in reunion with a child that refuses to meet. Take m thoughts with that in mind. Hugs to you. I am glad you and h corresponded.
Oh Denise ~ what a tough one. My first instinct was to say yes ~ yes, go to him. Then after considering all that has happened, remembered that it isn't that easy. My reply is still yes though. Yes to that one visit and hug.
Even if it all goes back to as it is now, at least you will have both gotten one more moment together...
Wow Denise, this is a tough one. I'm torn between Lori and Suz. Every time I reopened the door, I got more of the same. Part of that though, is nothing had changed. However, in your situation maybe there has been a change. As I reread your son's message, he seems to be taking responsibility for his behavior and is in therapy and on meds. And you have set boundaries so I'm leaning toward giving him that hug!
I'm on the fence. He has let you down so many times & you've thought he had changed so many times & you've given him chances so many times only to walk away heartbroken again. I sure hate to see you go thru this again. It looks like he may be trying to change but...I guess all you can is follow your heart.
Thanks to all for your support and advice. I haven't decided yet, and don't have to — unless I want to do this soon. My heart will lead, but I will keep my head in gear.
Denise,
I have thought about you a lot, and having read your story...even back years ago in the AAC newsletter..I worry about your safety.
Your son tried to force contact with you for awhile. Now he is using the gentle approach.
This could be a sign of maturity in him. Can you see other indications that he is sincere?
Or is this just another attempt to get you to give in...
Kitta, I am still wary. There is nothing else to lead me to believe he has changed (quite the contrary, by some reports). I have way more info than he knows, about his life and what he's up to.
I want so badly to believe, but I'm not there yet. I haven't answered his email. And didn't take the opportunity I could have when I saw my grandkids yesterday.
If and when I do, I will not go in alone, if I do go in. I will surround myself with my hub, my dad, his ex, the kids, whoever seems most appropriate.
So sad... but necessary.
Thank you for your comment and support.
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