The word "blend" always makes me think of the movie, "My Cousin Vinnie," as in: "oh yeah, you blend," spoken by Marisa Tomei when she and Joe Pesci first arrive in the small southern town, dressed like New Jersey.
My father remarried six years ago, about a year-and-a-half after my mother's death. Although I'd never given it any advance thought, since my mom's death was unexpected and sudden, I have to admit that I soon realized that my dad was not okay alone, that he liked being married. Hence, no real surprise.
What did surprise me was the lack of blending of our families — i.e. no interest from my dad and his wife, or her grown children, in getting together on occasion. Or at least acknowledging each other on holidays, perhaps come together for occasions like my dad's or his wife's birthdays. Which hasn't happened. Even though we don't live that far apart — most of her family are within 40 minutes of us. I think it's because my father and his wife haven't encouraged it.
The first time we all got together was about a month before the wedding. We had cocktails at her house, then went out to dinner. Then, of course the wedding. Since then, nothing. I had all of their addresses, and remember debating if I should send Christmas cards (their wedding was just before Thanksgiving). I didn't, nor did I receive anything from them. Pattern established.
I don't know why I think this is odd. I guess I was thinking of how younger families handle this. As in, I have contact with my brother's ex, the mother of my grown nieces and nephew. I still think of her as family. And of course I still have contact with my son's ex and her kids, my step-grandchildren.
It was established early that we would have my father and his wife for Thanksgiving, but they would go to her family for Christmas. We get together for dinner before Christmas.
Not saying that this bothers me. I don't need to expand my family or number of connections. Just wondering if this is what others with blended families (especially when it's the parents who remarry) experience and have to juggle.
4 comments:
I wonder if it has much to do with the age of the children when the families blend. Being I blended two families (my second husbands and his kids along with my kids) I can relate to the challenges. But we had small children (well, I did, my youngest is 9). He and I worked hard (mostly at my doing cuz well, I am sensitive to that stuff) to include his kids in everything, gave them their own rooms (though they were never hear), etc. They dont come by too much but that is most likely due to both being in college away from home and only even home on holidays. We do see them for holidays, we chat on facebook, include them in our holiday card photo (as you recently saw on fb).
I suspect it would be very different if our children were all grown when Rich and I got together but the fact that I am still parenting (and my sons adore their older step brothers) tends to make things a bit different.
I have a very blended family. First there is mine...I am remarried & married to a man who has been married plus has a child by another woman. His ex & her husband we do not do things with except school activities for their child. When the daughter has a birthday party we each do one for her. We are cordial, friendly & that is about it. For the other child, we do not have hardly any contact with her except when we go to her house to pick up the son. I have zero contact with my ex as well as my son has zero contact.
Then my sister is divorced, remarried. We just had this discussion a few days ago. I do not keep in contact with her ex husband. I used to send X-mas cards to him but that has stopped. Her new husband had zero contact with his ex (now she has passed away) & because he lived in another state the contact with his children is hardly anything. His father remarried long ago but he does not think of his step mother anything but a step mother.
My brother lost his wife in March. He has now remarried. The only contact we (me) has had with her daughter is thru facebook. We had not gotten together as a family & it became an issue this Christmas. The bottom line is that no one felt that she should be invited along with her children & new husband to our Christmas. My brother's daughter seems to be having a problem accepting some things even though she has said she is fine.
My father in law passed away in November. A few of my husband's siblings are divorced. All of the ex's showed up either at the wake or funeral. Some of the moments were quite tense.
If you are the ex or remarried it can get a little tense or uncomfortable with blending. I prefer not to blend the ex's.
I agree on blending ex's although my reason is largely due to who my ex is and how he behaves versus his status as an ex. My family does welcome all ex's at holiday events, etc. In fact, at Christmas my older sister often has all three of hers there (Children with two of them). He first husband, her second and her current boyfriend. Its intersting and people are always surprised. My mother started the practice and insists its better for the kids. I agree - if the relationships are such that all can behave and civil, which is not the case with me and my ex.
like Anon, I have limited contact with my ex - and it is generally email and always kid related. I think I have spoken to his new wife - maybe..once? Maybe never? I dont have a need to. I have nothing against her, just no interest. My business is with my childrens father.
Agree, Suz, that the age of the kids has the most to do with how and if blending happens. And agree with you and anon that ex-blending can be difficult. I have not had to deal with that. My husband's ex passed away before we met, all too young from cancer. I only had ex-boyfriends, no kids, other than my relinquished son. He's the one with multiple ex's. I am only in touch with one, the mother of my grandson and step-mother of my granddaughter. When she introduces me as her mother-in-law and people look at her funny, knowing that she is divorced, she says, "we dumped him and kept each other." My brother and his ex are unblendable, even after 20-something years. They only come together at weddings of their kids (all married now). I like her and we are in somewhat touch.
I don't know why I thought our family would get together with my dad's wife's from time to time. At least for occasions like our parents' birthdays. I sent Christmas cards to them (the wedding was just before Thanksgiving six years ago), then stopped because I didn't receive any from them. There's no weirdness, just nonexistent.
Post a Comment